(From the forthcoming book: From the Principal’s Desk – A Journey of Lessons)
Dr Arun Prakash
A Walk Down Memory Lane
I still remember my early teaching days at a school in a small industrial town, starting in 1988. Those were exciting times! I was an idealistic teacher, passionate and ready to take on the world. By 1995, I was handed the responsibility of leading the school as Principal at the age of 34. It was a significant shift for me, and I was still as fiery and uncompromising as ever, always ready to challenge the status quo. Back then, the idea of compromise didn’t sit well with me.
One of my duties, unpaid of course, was managing the school bookshop. Since the area was quite remote, there was no access to essential school supplies, so the school provided books and stationery at no-profit rates. I was involved in every detail—from preparing lists and collecting advances to traveling to purchase the books and bundling them up with the help of teachers and students. But then came a turning point.
Despite our best intentions, some parents presumed that we were making a profit from the bookshop. In that union-dominated town, such presumptions were common. After some parents misbehaved with the teachers during the book distribution, I made a quick decision: no more bookshop. Parents would now have to take the list and buy the books on their own. It seemed like a fair solution, but chaos soon followed—books weren’t readily available, prices were higher, and the whole system fell into disarray.
Amid the confusion, a sincere parent, who was also an accounts officer, approached me with a suggestion: Why not let the PTA (Parent-Teacher Association) manage the bookshop? I gladly agreed, as long as it was completely parent-managed, with the school providing only the space. What emerged was an incredibly efficient, well-managed bookshop run by the PTA, thanks to the leadership of that dedicated parent. This experience also taught me valuable lessons about parenting and managing expectations.
- Parenting Done Right: A Story of Support
This parent had two sons, both of whom were diligent, well-mannered students. I had the privilege of teaching the elder son, who later went on to crack the tough medical entrance exam and became a successful doctor. The younger son also cleared a challenging engineering entrance and built a career as a distinguished engineer.
What stood out was how, despite having no background in science, the parent played a pivotal role in his son’s success in medical school. Instead of attempting to teach complex scientific concepts—something he wasn’t equipped to do—he took a different approach. He understood that the key to mastering difficult subjects lay in practice and preparation.
He began by gathering a variety of question banks and resources from multiple sources, ensuring that his son had access to a wide array of practice materials. This included previous years’ exam questions, standardized test preparations, and additional resources that offered different perspectives on the subjects. By providing a comprehensive set of materials, he helped his son cover all possible exam topics and formats, which is crucial in fields like medicine where exam styles can vary significantly.
In addition to collecting resources, he prepared mock tests that mirrored the actual examination conditions. This allowed his son to familiarize himself with the pressure and pacing of the real tests, a strategy often endorsed by educational experts. Research has shown that taking practice tests significantly boosts retention and understanding of material (Roediger & Butler, 2011). These mock exams also served as diagnostic tools, helping his son identify his strengths and weaknesses.
When weaknesses were revealed, the parent didn’t merely point them out; he engaged in thoughtful discussions with his son to analyse why certain topics were challenging. Together, they would break down complex topics into manageable parts, allowing his son to tackle them one step at a time. This approach not only improved understanding but also built confidence.
Moreover, he maintained a supportive yet non-intrusive presence. He recognized the importance of autonomy in the learning process. By encouraging his son to take charge of his studies while being there as a guiding figure, he fostered a sense of responsibility and independence. This balance between support and independence is critical in helping children develop resilience, as noted by developmental psychologists who emphasize the importance of allowing children to navigate their own paths in learning (Dweck, 2006).
Ultimately, this parent exemplified how involvement can take various forms. His hands-on approach, combined with a deep understanding of his limitations, created an environment where his son could thrive. This story serves as a powerful reminder that parents can be effective supporters of their children’s education without being experts in the subject matter.
How Can Parents Help Without Being Overbearing?
1. Be Present, But Don’t Hover
Children need to know you’re there, but that doesn’t mean breathing down their necks. This parent and his wife created an environment where children thrived academically and in extracurricular activities. The boys were always busy, but never felt overwhelmed or pressured to perform. It’s all about balance—be a guide, not a taskmaster.
2. Honest Conversations—No Sugarcoating
Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, and neither is school. Let your children know that hard work, grit, and perseverance are key. Don’t shelter them from struggles; instead, prepare them for the real world.
- The Butterfly’s Struggle
The metaphor of the butterfly is often used to illustrate the importance of struggle. When a caterpillar undergoes metamorphosis, it must push its way out of the cocoon. This struggle is essential; it strengthens the butterfly’s wings, allowing it to fly. If someone intervenes to ease the butterfly’s journey, the insect may emerge with weak wings and fail to fly. This natural process beautifully illustrates that struggles are not just obstacles to be avoided; they are crucial for development and growth. Parents can draw parallels with their children’s experiences, encouraging them to embrace challenges as part of their personal growth.
3. Lead by Example
In To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch serves as a profound example of how leading by example can shape the values and beliefs of children. Throughout the novel, Atticus doesn’t just instruct his children, Scout and Jem, on how to behave or what is right; he embodies the principles of empathy, integrity, and moral courage in his daily life. He teaches them that understanding, and compassion are essential, often reminding them to consider things from another person’s perspective.
One of Atticus’s most poignant lessons comes when he tells Scout, “The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.” This statement highlights the importance of personal integrity over societal pressure. Atticus leads by example when he defends Tom Robinson, a Black man falsely accused of raping a white woman, despite knowing the backlash he will face from the community. His unwavering commitment to justice and moral righteousness teaches his children that true integrity often requires standing alone against the tide of public opinion.
This theme resonates deeply with the idea that children mirror their parents’ actions more than they heed their words. Atticus’s behaviour instils in Scout and Jem a profound sense of justice and morality, reinforcing the notion that the values we embody as parents are powerful teaching tools. If we want our children to value education, for instance, it’s crucial to demonstrate that learning is a lifelong pursuit.
By engaging in reading, pursuing new hobbies, or discussing current events with enthusiasm, parents can inspire curiosity and a love for knowledge in their children. When kids observe their parents continually striving to grow and learn, they are more likely to internalize those values and understand that education does not end at school; it is a journey that lasts a lifetime.
Leading by example creates an environment where children learn not just through words but through the lived experiences of their parents. They develop a stronger moral compass and an appreciation for continuous learning, setting the foundation for them to become empathetic and responsible adults.
4. Balancing Freedom with Responsibility
It was the birthday of my classmate’s son, and as photography was my hobby, I was naturally in charge of taking photos. Back then, we used Kodak films that had to be loaded into a camera, and the best prints came from Kodak’s own lab in Dadar, Mumbai. After taking the photos, we would send the film by post, and eagerly wait for weeks for the developed prints to return. Unlike today, where you can instantly review your shot, we had to wait patiently to see the results.
On that day, I took the birthday boy, who was around 4 or 5 years old, to the market to buy a film roll. On our way back, he wanted to see the film, and despite his father’s warnings, I handed it to him. I believed in nurturing curiosity rather than stifling it. Unfortunately, within minutes, the boy had opened the packet, taken out the film, and was happily playing with it, exposing the entire roll in broad daylight.
I calmly explained to him what went wrong, bought a new film, and showed him how to handle it carefully. The second time, the child expertly managed it, learning from his earlier mistake.
Trusting children is vital. It is a proven fact that they strive to meet the expectations set by their parents and teachers. Setting realistic expectations, along with the necessary freedom, helps them grow. Responsibility can’t be instilled without allowing them the space to make mistakes and learn.
This reminds me of Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird, who allows Jem and Scout plenty of freedom to explore the world on their own terms. But he also teaches them that with freedom comes responsibility. When Jem destroys their neighbour’s bushes in a fit of anger, Atticus doesn’t just scold him—he makes Jem read to her every day as a way to apologize. This lesson teaches Jem about accountability and the consequences of his actions.
5. Trust Their Journey
Education isn’t a straight path. Some kids may take detours or need more time to figure out their interests. The more we let children explore their own paths (within reason!), the more resilient and adaptable they become.
- Steven Spielberg: From College Dropout to Legendary Filmmaker
Steven Spielberg, one of the most influential directors of all time, was rejected by the prestigious University of Southern California School of Cinematic Arts multiple times. Determined to pursue his passion for filmmaking, Spielberg instead attended California State University, Long Beach but eventually dropped out to take an unpaid internship at Universal Studios. During this time, he made a short film that caught the attention of executives, leading to the opportunity to direct his first feature film.
Despite not following the traditional route, Spielberg went on to direct blockbuster films like Jaws, E.T., Jurassic Park, and Schindler’s List. Later, as a testament to his lifelong love of learning, Spielberg returned to school and completed his degree decades later.
6. Be a Supportive Guide, not a Director
Think of yourself as a GPS, not a driver. Offer direction and advice when asked, but let your child hold the steering wheel. They need autonomy to build confidence and problem-solving skills.
7. Encourage Problem-Solving
When faced with challenges, it’s essential not to solve everything for your children but instead to guide them towards finding their own solutions. Problem-solving is a vital skill that will serve them throughout their lives. Let’s consider some great examples from history that illustrate this point.
- Thomas Edison and the Light Bulb
Thomas Edison’s journey to invent the light bulb is one of the most iconic examples of perseverance and problem-solving. Edison encountered more than 1,000 failed attempts before discovering the right material for the light bulb’s filament. Instead of viewing each failure as a setback, he saw it as a step closer to success. He famously said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Imagine if someone had provided him with the solution from the start—his learning process would have been incomplete, and the ultimate success less meaningful. Edison’s ability to let the process teach him underscores how failure can fuel progress.
- The Fire at Edison’s Factory
In another instance, Edison’s factory, which housed years of hard work, was destroyed by fire. Rather than wallowing in despair, Edison took the tragedy as an opportunity to rebuild. He is known to have said, “I’m happy that I can begin anew and won’t repeat the mistakes I made before.” His perspective teaches us that problem-solving is not only about finding technical solutions but also about embracing setbacks as chances to learn and grow. Adversity becomes a stepping stone to success when faced with the right attitude.
8. Model Lifelong Learning
Show your child that learning doesn’t stop at school. Whether it’s pursuing a hobby or reading up on a new subject, let them see that you’re still learning and growing. This will create a culture of curiosity at home, encouraging them to be lifelong learners too.
- Winston Churchill’s Painting Hobby and Nobel Prize in Literature
Winston Churchill, best known for his leadership during World War II, was also a man who embraced lifelong learning and pursued new interests well into his later years. At the age of 40, Churchill took up painting as a way to relax and escape from the pressures of politics. His passion for painting not only gave him mental balance but also helped foster his creativity during difficult times. In addition to this, Churchill’s love for the written word earned him the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1953, a recognition for his historical works, speeches, and biographies.
Churchill once said, “If it weren’t for painting, I couldn’t have survived.” His painting hobby, combined with his writing, exemplifies how learning and creative exploration can continue throughout life. He demonstrated that the pursuit of knowledge and creativity should never end, no matter one’s age or position.
Striking the right balance in parenting is like walking a tightrope. On one side is support, and on the other is independence. We don’t want to weigh our children down with pressure, but we also don’t want to leave them to fend for themselves. The goal is to be a steadfast presence in their lives—supporting, guiding, but not controlling.
As Angela Duckworth so aptly puts it in Grit: “The goal of parenting is not to protect children from struggle but to prepare them to thrive in the face of it.”
